


Sounds of Solace

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Past Relationship(s), Sex, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 21:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12118014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	Sounds of Solace

If you could envision  
The meaning of a tragedy  
Oooh, you might be  
Surprised to hear it’s you and me  
***

One giant mistake. This whole thing was one giant mistake. And now I was involved in the constant push and pull of love or leave; it was killing me. 

How could one night of letting myself find comfort in a kind-hearted, sad stranger turn into this? This wasn’t what it was supposed to be. 

His name is Aaron Hotchner. I can tell he is trying his best, which is why it’s so difficult for me to leave, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. 

Another relationship had ended in disaster for me, so I sought solace at the bottom of a glass of wine. His comfort was found in a glass of swirling whiskey. At the time, I didn’t know why he needed consolation; I only knew I needed some of my own, and I quickly found myself waking up in my bed with him at my side. 

Over the weeks, we met again and again, saying little while revealing it all. The sounds of our clothes falling to the floor and the soft creaks of my worn-in mattress the soundtrack to our solace. Until that night…that night he muttered her name.

Haley.

When it first happened, I was livid. I assumed it was an ex-girlfriend or one-time lover that he was hung up on, but he begged me to hear him out, so I did. It was his wife. She’d been ripped away from him because of the job - a gunshot to the head ending their love forever, survived only though his son. The night we met had been just weeks after he lost her. I told him I forgave him. I might have at the time, but I hated myself for doing so now. 

Didn’t I deserve more than this?

Didn’t I deserve love that didn’t devolve into disaster? 

***  
And I won’t be made a fool of  
Don’t call this love  
***

Repeatedly, I came back. I came back knowing that I wasn’t the woman on his mind even though I was the one in his bed. And he let me. Why would he let me? In another life…at another time…maybe he wasn’t this man - the one that took advantage of my own sadness and need for comfort. He didn’t seem like that kind of man, but here I was…doing this again and again. Why didn’t I just leave?

Maybe it was because I didn’t want to admit that another relationship had failed. More likely it was because he ended up telling me he was in love with me.

Deep down, I knew it wasn’t love, but I was desperate for something to hold onto amidst the chaos in my life that I believe him - or I deluded myself.

Our relationship was comprised of fucking and fighting, for lack of sweeter words. We’d find ourselves in bed, tangled in the limbs of another, and then I’d be yelling and screaming and crying. “Don’t call this love, Aaron! That’s not what this is. I could’ve loved you…but you don’t love me. All I am is a substitute for her.”

Trying to convince me otherwise was also a part of our routine. 

***  
Forgive and forget you a thousand times  
For the fire and the sleepless nights  
***

Even after that fight, I forgave him. He convinced me he’d do better; this wasn’t the man he was, he was just torn to shreds over losing his wife, and I felt bad for him. How could someone go through something like that and not come out with a few scars? Every time he convinced me through tender touches, soft lips and well-meaning tears that he did love me, and as his lips would run over my skin, I felt it. It was only after the fact that I’d realize his love lay elsewhere, far away from me.

Months had passed of this. Falling into bed and praying that when I looked in his eyes, I would see love for me, but I was disappointed every time. Enough was enough.

***  
But when it comes down to it  
You never made the most of it  
Oooh so I cried cried cried  
And now I say good bye  
***

Aaron had been away for weeks now for back-to-back cases. It had given me time to think. I couldn’t and didn’t deserve this. When he walked toward me in the park after nearly three weeks time, my resolve nearly fell. His smile had seemed so genuine. But I needed to be strong. I couldn’t handle much more of this. When he moved in to kiss me, I pushed him away. “I’m done, Aaron.”

“What?” His smile dissolved immediately, leaving those eyes that had drawn me into this mess to begin with. “Y/N, please, don’t…”

“I can’t do this anymore, Aaron!” I took myself off guard with my outburst. “I don’t believe you’re a bad man, I really don’t. But you took me in when your own wounds were still wide open. You still love her. I don’t blame you. If my husband had been torn away from me like that I would be seeking solace too, but I don’t deserve to be someone’s number two; I’ve been that for too long. I want and deserve more, and right now, with you still healing your wounds, you can’t give me that. Please don’t call me again.” 

As a tear rolled down his cheek, I hurriedly turned and walked away, stopping momentarily to tell him that although we were done, I did care about him. I wasn’t lying when I said I could’ve loved him with my whole heart. “I truly do wish you the best, Aaron. I hope your heals from this, and I pray one day you find happiness. It just can’t be with me.”

My resolve had been waning with each word. I had been choking out my thoughts quickly in the hopes I could release them to the world before breaking down and ending up right back where I started. Tears stained my skin when I spoke to him, but when I left, they dried up, leaving me to walk home among the harmony of a slight fall breeze, leaves gently scraping against the floor, and a thunderstorm off in the distance - sounds of solace to guide me back home.


End file.
